The D-Word's life is one of glamour and riches, as only a documentary filmmaker can live it

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I'm just about to sort and print my mailing labels for the upcoming special screening of Home Page at HBO on June 23 when I get an innocent error message:

"Your files need re-indexing. Would you like to re-index now?"

My personal information manager is Act! and it contains over 900 contacts. It'll take a few minutes out of my life but I figure, what the heck.

A few minutes later, just as my files are on the verge of order, I get another error message:

"General protection fault in module Actwin2.exe at 0028:2550"

My application is terminated.

Ok, it's happened before, no big deal. I double-click on Act! and breathe a sigh of relief as the first record pops up. Two seconds later, an error message follows:

"Cannot locate current contact."

What d'ya mean, cannot locate current contact?!? You're sitting on the friggin' current contact, buster!

There's an OK button, so I click on it and … nothing happens. I click again. Nothing. I click again, and again, and again. Nothing.

Hmmmm. I re-boot the computer and try not to think the unthinkable as I double-click the Act! icon.

"Cannot locate current contact."

That morning I spilled a half-can of dry ground coffee (don't ask how!) all over the camera masters of the weddings I've shot over the past five years, which are the heart of my next documentary. It took twenty minutes to vacuum up the mess.

It's been a bad day, but it's about to get worse. Much worse.

I call tech support at Symantec, the makers of Act!, to get the lowdown on how to proceed. As I tap my fingers to the sounds of easy-listening, I berate myself over all the times I've procrastinated buying a zip drive to back up my important directories. My rolodex is the most important -- five years of contacts, everyone I need to communicate with, is sitting in that file, and now I'm locked out.

It's impossible to get a human being. So I learn from a machine that Act! only supports version 4.0 now. I have 2.0. I try to get around it by cleverly pretending to a techie that I'm about to buy 4.0 but I have this itsy bitsy problem with my 2.0 when he cuts me off.

"I'm sorry, sir, I wish I could help you, but I really don't know a thing about Act! 2.0. I can't help you." He re-directs me to the Symantec web site. There may be a posting that will address my particular problem.

The shock of it all has thrown my mind into a kind of vapor lock, so it takes longer than I care to admit (like, hours) to find the right posting to the right question in the right bulletin board in the right area of the right "Knowledge Base" of the right version of the right software.

I follow the instructions dilligently. I back up the database. I set system stability. I'm all set to reindex the database, when I'm told to "type 'mem' at the cd\ prompt and look for the line that says Largest Executable Program Size. This value should be equal to or greater than 550K. If it is not, please refer to FaxBack Document 8267 for optimizing your PC."

My computer reads 500K. And there's no link to this mysterious FaxBack Document 8267, no reference to it anywhere.

I call back customer service and, after a half-hour wait, get a phone number to call the automated FaxBack hotline.

It's the kind of line that forces you to hear 8 options before the one that applies to you, and if you hit the wrong one there's no going back to the main menu. The first time I try it, I wait all the way through then hit a wrong option and have to call back. The next time, I do everything correctly and get cut off. The third time, I finally make it all the way through, dial 8267 when asked for my document, and am told by the automated voice that I've chosen an invalid document number.

At this point, I realize I'm in very deep trouble.

That was Thursday. It's now late Sunday night and the problem is hardly resolved. On Friday, I bought a zip drive for $100 and saved all my Act! directories on a disk, though it's not clear yet whether or not they've been corrupted. On Saturday, I ordered an upgrade to Act! 4.0 for another $100, which should arrive sometime Tuesday. Of course, The D-Word, Mr. Revolutionary, himself, has a five-year old, 486 PC computer with Windows 3.1 at his office, which Act! 4.0 won't work on. Which means I'll have to buy another - and fast! - just to run Windows 95. I've searched online all weekend for a cheap used computer, but I'm still skittish of this e-commerce stuff.

Should I get a work computer capable of handling 4.0, I've been reassured that certainly it will import the files from version 2.0.

Just like I reassure my 9-year old daughter that certainly the tooth fairy exists.

All of which is to say, it looks like the HBO screening may be somewhat sparsely attended. So if any of you loyal NYC-area readers out there wish to fill up the house, simply dial 212-512-1836 to reserve your spot. And bring a friend or two or three. Wednesday, June 23 at HBO - 1100 Ave. of the Americas (between 42 and 43 St.). Wine and cheese reception at 6:30pm, screening at 7pm.

Oh, yeah, one other thing. Back up your important files. Today.

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