The D-Word's life is one of glamour and riches, as only a documentary filmmaker can live it

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Back from a couple of weeks away with the ever-lovely Marjorie while Lucy was at sleepaway camp for the first time.

Back from many couple of weeks away from being The D-Word.

When the media brouhaha over Home Page broke in the weeks leading up to the HBO premiere, Justin got good and sick of being "ever more thrust back into my own armpit 1996" and "increasingly weary of participating in promoting this thing."

I knew just how he felt. Promoting "this thing," is inextricably tied into promoting yourself, and self-promotion gets really tiring. Me… Me… Me… Me… Me… The Glory of Me.

I, too, needed to get away from myself. And from The D-Word.

The original purpose of these entries was primarily to be useful to those interested in knowing more about the documentary filmmaking process. They were pure of heart. Of course, I also knew they were promoting Home Page in the process, but that was always just a nice side-product, something that took care of itself without my really working at it.

But once Sundance came along, and self-promotion became an end in itself, things got a little thornier.

Ever since, it's been harder and harder to write honestly about what's going on with the film because I've been mostly involved with ongoing busy-ness negotiations with potential sponsors and distributors. And that involves positioning, posturing and, of course, promoting.

It's the part of the filmmaking process I hate the most. I can sell what I truly believe in, but, while I truly believe in Home Page, it's always more complicated and neurotic when the film is mine (not to mention, so much about my own life). When I was producing Jupiter's Wife, it was so easy for me to push Michel Negroponte's visionary filmmaking talent. Or, with Silverlake Life, talk passionately about its' extraordinary social importance.

I can't say those things about myself or Home Page without laughing or retching.

What I want is for this phase to be over. I want a Big Daddy (or Mommy) to come along and pick up my film and do something wild and innovative and splashy. I want them to say all those wonderful things about me. I want them to do all this work, so I'm free to make more films. I want them to position the film so that it's possible to generate some decent revenues over the coming years. Is that asking too much?

(Don't answer.)

But I'm in a quandary of my own making. Because I understand that distributing Home Page means distributing through the Internet. And that the true power of Internet distribution is that you no longer need to rely on a Big Daddy to do it all for you.

It's about self-empowerment. It's about eliminating the middleman and directly reaching the people interested in your subject matter. It's about being revolutionary.

Which sounds great, but means, in effect, becoming my own distributor. Becoming my own marketing and sales force.

It can be done. It's possible. But yechhh!!!

With this tug of war eating at my insides every day, I need to get away. Just get away. Rest my weary bones. Think about where I want to go from here.

So we take off for Louse Point, in the off-the-beaten-track Hamptons. Lots of birds and corn fields, a beautiful bay that no one has discovered, and no Beautiful People to speak of (well, except my wife).

I've been looking forward to relaxing there for weeks but there's no escaping work. I owe The Independent Film & Video Monthly a short essay on the future of documentary distribution in the digital age. You know, broadband, streaming, convergence, video projection, e-commerce, Internet promotion - the entire TheFutureIsComing.com - in 800 words or so. It's been taking me, like, forever to condense my thoughts.

And I need to rewrite an entire contract from scratch. A well-heeled distributor, who's recently awakened to the Net's vast potential, has grand plans for a broadband release of Home Page. Unfortunately, their contract is of the rape and pillage variety (all rights in the Universe in perpetuity, plus firstborn) that clearly mistakes this for one of their 2,000 print, 35mm theatrical releases. The advance being offered isn't small enough to ignore, or large enough to allow me to have a lawyer do it. So guess who has to do it on his vacation?

Every morning I wake up at 6am, my bowels churning, my mind racing, unable to get back to sleep. Have I thought through all of the what ifs? Is there some way I can keep them from cross collatoralizing expenses? What happens if they lose their enthusiasm? Will they go for performance clauses? Have I covered every possible rights reversion?

The bigger nagging question is, despite their advance and industry clout, do I even want to go with these folks? New broadband companies are coming out of the woodwork every week, and I have a product that's perfectly suited (in fact, maybe even best suited) for broadband applications. It seems remarkably shortsighted to tie those rights up exclusively. Maybe I should just sit on it for a while.

Or maybe I should take my chances with that up-and-coming indie film site who'll stream it and sell the video on a non-exclusive basis and give it a good promotional push. At least they have the technology for streaming already in place. And I'll be able to hold onto my ancillary rights.

Big Daddy or self-distribution?

Decisions.

On top of all this, a theater in New York City, the Cinema Village, wants to give Home Page a theatrical run. If we can do a broadband premiere just before the opening, it would be unprecedented. A BIG news story. And the theater owner is all for it. But it's also a real commitment of time and energy and money, and I can't do it by myself. I need to know if either of these companies will give me the marketing support I'll need. And I need an answer fast. The Cinema Village wants to book the dates.

I put in calls to everyone. No one is reachable. And I won't sit around waiting for the phone to ring.

It's my vacation, after all.

In and over and around the work I take some time to think and feel. I go jogging a couple of times. Take long bike rides. Swim in the bay. Drown in gin and tonics. Get reacquainted with D-Wife. Read Tuesdays With Morrie. Think about the purpose of life. Make some decisions.

I decide I need a longer vacation... from myself. I want to get back to doing stuff that focuses on others and that's useful to others. Not to go all Anthony Robbins on you, or anything, but it's what gives life meaning.

I realize that, eventually, I'd really like to teach. I want to pass my knowledge and experience on to others. I think I'd be good at it. I wonder how to go about doing it.

The next day I get a call from my friend Karen Nourse. She'll be leaving soon for Europe for a few months to finish filming her documentary and wants to know if I can take over her Independent Video Production course at the Parsons School of Design this semester.

Well, I guess that's how you go about doing it. Good Lord.

Jennifer Dworkin has asked me to shoot the final stretch of her ITVS documentary, Love's Story. It's about an inner city woman called Love and her desperate attempt to keep her child and escape the family cycle of drugs, poverty and abuse.

Jennifer's been working on it for over ten years and it's a brutal, powerful and important story. Her editor, Mona Davis, was my consulting editor on Home Page, and she's one of the best around. If she's doing it I know it'll be great. And the collection of roughly edited scenes they showed me were both funny and poignant.

Notice how I can say all this because it's not my movie.

I don't know where I'll find the time, but I commit to shooting it.

That's not all, though. Dan and I have been talking about ramping up the D-Word into a much more comprehensive and valuable site for people interested in documentaries. I want to expand the resources section, which right now is so lame it's embarrassing (yeah, I know the links don't work). I want to add ongoing interviews with some of the leading documentary filmmakers. I want to add community elements so that people can converse with each other about all things documentary, from the technical to the aesthetic. Ultimately, I'd like to enable filmmakers to stream their works-in-progress.

I think there's a business model there, too.

We're also working out the e-details with some nervy folks for an exciting convergence documentary that begins with interviewing a bunch of people, streams clips as we go along, and allows for audience interaction to dictate the direction of the filming.

Almost before I know it, vacation's over and I'm back.

Happy to be reunited with Lucy... Inching closer to a distribution deal (stay tuned)... Planning for my first classes... Shooting for Jennifer... Working on a business plan for The D-Word... Meeting with Nerve...

And wondering where I'll ever find the time to do it all.

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